| I have created a twelve step program to help you | | | | Or perhaps astronomy is more your bag. Just head |
| to become a trillionaire by next month while losing | | | | over to the 520 shelves. Economics? That would be |
| inches off of your waist. Twelve is a very mystical | | | | 330. So no matter what library you go to, whether it |
| number. There are twelve planets in our galaxy, if | | | | be in Bismarck, North Dakota or New York City, a |
| you count Earth four times, five if you don't consider | | | | book on transsexuals is going to be under 612.6 |
| Pluto to be a planet. There were twelve people | | | | Interestingly enough, the Public Library of Bismarck |
| (aside from Jesus) at the last supper. And there are | | | | goes directly from 612.5 on sex with dwarfs to 612.7, |
| twelve letters in the name Barry Manilow. So it's no | | | | concerning sex with Germans, without any mention |
| surprise that when Alcoholics Anonymous was trying | | | | of transsexuals, whether they be dwarfs or German |
| to come up with a catchy way to get people to | | | | or both. However, the Public Library of Bismarck can |
| stop drinking that they came up with a twelve step | | | | not put books having to deal with creationism or |
| program. My 12 step program is better than AAs in | | | | intelligent design under the 612.6 section unless it |
| that they only promise you sobriety. With ours you'll | | | | concerns the creation or intelligent design of |
| make tons of money, and you don't even have to | | | | transsexuals. It's the Dewey Decimal System. It's the |
| be sober. Heck, you don't even have to follow all | | | | law. It's wonderful to know that no matter what |
| twelve steps; you should be fine if you follow just | | | | library I go to that I know where everything will be. |
| one. And if that weren't already enough, if you buy | | | | Sadly, there is no Dewey Decimal System for |
| now, I'll throw in an extra step. But please, pay | | | | supermarkets. One of my local supermarkets |
| careful attention or you might just only become a | | | | classifies pickles as a condiment and puts it with |
| billionaire. Step 1: Make People's Lives Easier This | | | | ketchup and mustard. But another supermarket |
| morning, I woke up and immediately went to the | | | | believes that a pickle is a deli item and has it with |
| bathroom. But only fifteen years ago, I would have | | | | potato salad and Cole slaw. A third market, run by a |
| been forced to go outside to an outhouse. Indoor | | | | family of Tamil separatists, views pickles as a dessert |
| plumbing has certainly made your life and mine a lot | | | | and puts it in between custard and frozen cookie |
| easier and made one or two inventors quite wealthy. | | | | dough. Crazy as this sounds, you can even go to the |
| And yet, I still have to get out of bed to go to the | | | | same supermarket chain in different parts of the |
| bathroom; there are still no toilet beds. Invent a toilet | | | | country and get confused. While cheese covered |
| bed, matching sheets and toilet paper, and you're on | | | | grits can be found in aisles 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 14, and 17 in |
| your way to trillionairehood. How can you make your | | | | a popular super market chain in Pascagoula, Mississippi, |
| life or the life of others easier? I still have to put | | | | you have to search deep into aisle 97, the Foreign |
| sugar, then milk into my coffee every morning. And | | | | Foods Section in the same super market chain in |
| that's not all. Then, I have to stir. Why hasn't anyone | | | | Marlboro, New Jersey. How much time do you waste |
| yet invented sugar milk? Or better yet, why hasn't | | | | looking for pickles and cheese coated grits? Valuable |
| anyone invented a sugar milk spoon that would melt | | | | time that you could be spending eating instead. Or |
| in my coffee as I twirl it around? I would no longer | | | | reading a book on German transsexuals. My idea: let's |
| have to spend countless seconds looking for my milk | | | | create a Dewey Decimal System for supermarkets, |
| and my sugar. I'm exhausted before I take my first | | | | copyright it or patent it, and sell it to all supermarkets |
| sip. How about a sugar-milk-coffee spoon that would | | | | throughout the country, throughout the world. There |
| just melt in your mouth. Note to self, call Starbucks | | | | have got to be at least a million different |
| and see if they're interesting in going in fifty-fifty on | | | | supermarkets around the world. We'll charge them |
| this project with me. Let's say that you want to | | | | each a $100,000 annual fee to use our system. |
| take a book out of the library on painting. You need | | | | That's a trillion dollars per annum in sales. And it's pure |
| to go to the library shelves and look under the | | | | profit. |
| number 750 where you will find all books on painting. | | | | |