| I have lived in the wonderful state of New Jersey | | | | Europe to deal with. |
| for twenty two glorious years. This meant spending | | | | I used to think that way until this past weekend. I |
| summers at the shore, drinking cawfee, and | | | | was out with a few friends tearing through the |
| considering Italian food its own food group. This | | | | woods on our quads, having a blast. It had rained the |
| armpit of a state is the home of bad hair cuts and | | | | day before, which made the ground perfect for |
| even worse accents. I can usually stomach the | | | | doing doughnuts and drifting turns. I started to cruise |
| stereotypical flaws of the state, but I can't stand the | | | | to a new part of the woods, but it was actually a |
| attitude. It's like every kid growing up here had a | | | | marsh. Unfortunately, I was going pretty fast so my |
| poster of Tony Soprano on his wall instead of | | | | speed carried me halfway across the bog. I tried |
| Superman or Batman. While I was busy jumping from | | | | revving my engine, spinning my wheels, but not |
| trees with a cape around my neck, they were | | | | moving an inch. My quad is meant for racing, not mud |
| greasing down their scalps with enough hair gel to | | | | so it only has two-wheel drive. My friends were all |
| make John Travolta jealous. | | | | over in another part of the woods, leaving me |
| Certain parts of Jersey don't seem like reality. My | | | | stranded, covered in mud and frustrated. |
| high school parking lot looked more like a BMW | | | | Just when I was about to give up and trudge back |
| dealership than a public school. You would think it was | | | | through the woods to find my friends an older man |
| standard issue for the DMV to hand out sets of | | | | on a big utility ATV passed by. "Oh great, now I |
| keys after passing a driver's test. I guess our state | | | | have to deal with this guy giving me a hard time," I |
| needed something to replace iroqs. It probably | | | | thought. But he pulled up, took off his helmet and |
| doesn't help the state's general attitude if everyone | | | | asked if I needed a hand. Did my ears deceive me? |
| is driving around in a BMW with a gold chair hanging | | | | A Jersian asking to help? Well of course I did. He had |
| from their neck and a ring hugging their pinky. | | | | a winch system hooked up to the front of his bike. |
| Anyway, after years of hearing such comments | | | | This guy and his son tossed me the cable, which I |
| from wise guys like "What are you looking at?" I | | | | hooked to my frame, and he pulled me right out. |
| started to think that the state was doomed. Maybe | | | | When I finally made it back to my friends, they didn't |
| our country would be better if it cut off that little | | | | even know I was gone. |
| state and sent it floating off across the Atlantic for | | | | |