If you are in a Pinch, Use a Winch

I have lived in the wonderful state of New JerseyEurope to deal with.
for twenty two glorious years. This meant spendingI used to think that way until this past weekend. I
summers at the shore, drinking cawfee, andwas out with a few friends tearing through the
considering Italian food its own food group. Thiswoods on our quads, having a blast. It had rained the
armpit of a state is the home of bad hair cuts andday before, which made the ground perfect for
even worse accents. I can usually stomach thedoing doughnuts and drifting turns. I started to cruise
stereotypical flaws of the state, but I can't stand theto a new part of the woods, but it was actually a
attitude. It's like every kid growing up here had amarsh. Unfortunately, I was going pretty fast so my
poster of Tony Soprano on his wall instead ofspeed carried me halfway across the bog. I tried
Superman or Batman. While I was busy jumping fromrevving my engine, spinning my wheels, but not
trees with a cape around my neck, they weremoving an inch. My quad is meant for racing, not mud
greasing down their scalps with enough hair gel toso it only has two-wheel drive. My friends were all
make John Travolta jealous.over in another part of the woods, leaving me
Certain parts of Jersey don't seem like reality. Mystranded, covered in mud and frustrated.
high school parking lot looked more like a BMWJust when I was about to give up and trudge back
dealership than a public school. You would think it wasthrough the woods to find my friends an older man
standard issue for the DMV to hand out sets ofon a big utility ATV passed by. "Oh great, now I
keys after passing a driver's test. I guess our statehave to deal with this guy giving me a hard time," I
needed something to replace iroqs. It probablythought. But he pulled up, took off his helmet and
doesn't help the state's general attitude if everyoneasked if I needed a hand. Did my ears deceive me?
is driving around in a BMW with a gold chair hangingA Jersian asking to help? Well of course I did. He had
from their neck and a ring hugging their pinky.a winch system hooked up to the front of his bike.
Anyway, after years of hearing such commentsThis guy and his son tossed me the cable, which I
from wise guys like "What are you looking at?" Ihooked to my frame, and he pulled me right out.
started to think that the state was doomed. MaybeWhen I finally made it back to my friends, they didn't
our country would be better if it cut off that littleeven know I was gone.
state and sent it floating off across the Atlantic for